As much as I want this to be a story about an Austin DoucheBag, I'll be honest: it isn't (necessarily). That it did happen on Red River, one block from what I consider ADB Ground Zero, is probably its only justification. That and it involves a jolly homeless guy butting in, something I justifiably identify with this city.
Amidst the SXSW Music (First Day's) Eve, traffic was bad. Around Red River and 10th I hit a red light, behind a truck carting a trailer. It creeped forward, getting ready to turn right on a red. I creeped forward following. Then regrets must have come about, because I saw his white reverse-lights light up.
I honked. He was inches away from my bumper. He stopped.
Then he kept going. I honked again. Fewer inches away from my bumper. He stopped.
Then he kept going. Honked longer. Fewer inches. He stopped.
Then he had one last try. Laid on the horn. Almost there. His reverse-lights turned off, his car went into park, and he got out ready to kick my ass.
"CAN'T YOU FUCKING BACKUP JUST A LITTLE BIT?" he said to me.
"NO I FUCKING CAN'T," and then I thumbed back to the car behind me. Which was on my tail.
Even though he could have recreated a famous LA riot moment right then and there, he immediately got embarrassed. I seethed. As my eyeline followed him back to his car it kept moving on to a homeless guy, beside my passenger side window, looking at me, then pleading with me, using his full-body force of his arms to show me how to shove down the bad vibes, finally advising deeply:
"CALM THE ROADRAGE. Calm the roadrage."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thread Quote/Exchange of the Week: 3/13/09
Quote:
Adam: So, a friend of mine got this in her facebook inbox. Apparently Tanya is a person she went to high school with and is a face book friend of. Apparently somebody is pretty pissed at Tanya and sent his message out to all of Tanya's facebook friends:
Tanya,
I know you fucked my husband in the back seat of his car on Sunday night in a cracker Barrel parking lot on your way home from the Greenville CVS.. I know exactly what time it was there was a break in the phone messages between 6:30'ish' and 7:45. I hope you are satisfied with what your 20 minutes got you! Apparently you weren't that good you couldn't even make my husband finish. You are nothing but a white trash whore who will burn in hell. I hope your 3yr old daughter finds out what kind of person you are! You are a very classy lady to be fucking someone's husband and betraying your own husband and little girl, not to mention the backseat of a car in a cracker barrel parking lot! WOW! It would be in your best interest to never come in contact with me! I will be sending the pictures you sent to my husband a long with the phone records and the leather I cut out of his back seat that has your skanky ass on it, maybe you can make a belt or something with it? I strongly suggest if you have not confessed to your husband that you do before all this information reaches him. You are one hell of a woman to lie to me and not have the guts to admit your wrong doing. One thing about me is I ALWAYS win!!
Have a great life!
And exchange:
Elliot: A friend of mine growing up owned a spider monkey. They thought it was cool, at first, but they never trained it and it got a little rambunctious, so they tied it up in the backyard and pretty much neglected it. Any time you would walk in their backyard, you'd get pegged with precision-thrown acorns hard enough to leave a welt. Those fuckers are accurate.
Dustin: Did it masturbate?
Elliot: Not that I saw, but I'm sure it did. Everything masturbates!
Dustin: I remember that kids book.
Me: My dog used to masturbate with his dog bowl. Even though I still don't understand the physics of it.
Dustin: The physics of masturbation? There is a kids book I want you to read.
Me: He humped the dog bowl. The edges were sharp. You explain to me how that doesn't hurt or how it works. Hell, find an illustrator if you think that'll help.
Dustin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O09x9sT5Ks8 [Ed. Note: Video title: "Dog humps his food."]
Kurt: One of the greatest videos I've ever seen.
Elliot: Did you just google "Masturbating Dog" at work?
Me: He's humping air!
Look, I understand that animals, in particular dogs, do hump motions onto inanimate objects. Hell, I'll concede that it might even work from time to time, or for more than I'm giving credit. But I refuse to believe my dog ever got off humping his sharp, worn, plastic dog bowl! If I had to bet, I'd put more money on him cutting his penis rather than coming.
Alexandria: hahah that statement is very amusing to me. good job shane.
Elliot: Haven't you ever heard of "fidomasochism?"
Me: I'm friends with Dustin. I'm sure it's been brought up before.
Dustin: Look. There's only one way to solve this. We need to get a dog bowl and hump it. Maybe Mythbusters has a stipend for this sort of thing.
Kurt: "Hi, I'm Dustin L[.], and this is dog bowl humping!"
Dustin: Mythbusters, not Jackass, you....err... jackass.
I want the bowl to explode when I'm done.
Me: Why stop there. I'm pretty sure Huggy's buried with his bowl. Why not exhume the body, Geraldo?
Dustin: i don't understand. You want me to hump the bowl or you want Huggy to hump the bowl?
Me: I think I resoundingly speak for the thread and all of humanity in saying that I'd rather you hump the bowl than the dead remains of my childhood dog.
Plus, you humping a bowl? Priceless.
Kurt: I'm just saying, you've got a way better shot of getting on the air on Jackass.
Dustin: I've humped worse.
Me: Thread,
One time in high school I'd left a t-shirt in Dustin's car for some reason. His girlfriend used it for clean-up, and they didn't tell me about it till months after. I'd worn it many times.
Explained? More?
Dustin: I forgot about that. That story always makes me laugh.
We always had a private little joke everytime we saw shane wear that shirt.
Kurt: Dustin, I'd like to request a list of inanimate objects you have humped. This is for research in preparing the bowl project.
And yes, sleeping roommates count.
Me: I want to do a thread poll of what worse objects you think he's humped.
I'll start. A pole.
Elliot: Cactus? No flaps, though...
Me: Good! OK, here:
The upper back of a sleeping retarded girl on the back of the bus.
Kurt: I'm gonna guess...a Tear 'n' Share bag of M&Ms. Probably peanut. Possibly peanut butter.
Dustin: Here is a short list:
able, achieve, acoustics, action, activity, aftermath, afternoon, afterthought, apparel, appliance, beginner, believe, bomb, border, boundary, breakfast, cabbage, cable, calculator, calendar, caption, carpenter, cemetery, channel, circle, creator, creature, education, faucet, feather, friction, fruit, fuel, galley, guide, guitar, health, heart, idea, kitten, laborer, language, lawyer, linen, locket, lumber, magic, minister, mitten, money, mountain, music, partner, passenger, pickle, picture, plantation, plastic, pleasure, pocket, police, pollution, railway, recess, reward, route, scene, scent, squirrel, stranger, suit, sweater, temper, territory, texture, thread, treatment, veil, vein, volcano, wealth, weather, wilderness, wren, wrist, writer
actor, airplane, airport, army, baseball, beef, birthday, boy, brush, bushes, butter, cast, cave, cent, cherries, cherry, cobweb, coil, cracker, dinner, eggnog, elbow, face, fireman, flavor, gate, glove, glue, goldfish, goose, grain, hair, haircut, hobbies, holiday, hot, jellyfish, ladybug, mailbox, number, oatmeal, pail, pancake, pear, pest, popcorn, queen, quicksand, quiet, quilt, rainstorm, scarecrow, scarf, stream, street, sugar, throne, toothpaste, twig, volleyball, wood, wrench
advice, anger, answer, apple, arithmetic, badge, basket, basketball, battle, beast, beetle, beggar, brain, branch, bubble, bucket, cactus, cannon, cattle, celery, cellar, cloth, coach, coast, crate, cream, daughter, donkey, drug, earthquake, feast, fifth, finger, flock, frame, furniture, geese, ghost, giraffe, governor, honey, hope, hydrant, icicle, income, island, jeans, judge, lace, lamp, lettuce, marble, month, north, ocean, patch, plane, playground, poison, riddle, rifle, scale, seashore, sheet, sidewalk, skate, slave, sleet, smoke, stage, station, thrill, throat, throne, title, toothbrush, turkey, underwear, vacation, vegetable, visitor, voyage, year
alarm, animal, aunt, bait, balloon, bath, bead, beam, bean, bedroom, boot, bread, brick, brother, camp, chicken, children, crook, deer, dock, doctor, downtown, drum, dust, eye, family, father, fight, flesh, food, frog, goose, grade, grandfather, grandmother, grape, grass, hook, horse, jail, jam, kiss, kitten, light, loaf, lock, lunch, lunchroom, meal, mother, notebook, owl, pail, parent, park, plot, rabbit, rake, robin, sack, sail, scale, sea, sister, soap, song, spark, space, spoon, spot, spy, summer, tiger, toad, town, trail, tramp, tray, trick, trip, uncle, vase, winter, water
week, wheel, wish, wool, yard, zebr
apple, arm, banana, bike, bird, book, chin, clam, class, clover, club, corn, crayon, crow, crown, crowd, crib, desk, dime, dirt, dress, fang, field, flag, flower, fog, game, heat, hill, home, horn, hose, joke, juice, kite, lake, maid, mask, mice, milk, mint, meal, meat, moon, mother, morning, name, nest, nose, pear, pen, pencil, plant, rain, river, road, rock, room, rose, seed, shape, shoe, shop, show, sink, snail, snake, snow, soda, sofa, star, step, stew, stove, straw, string, summer, swing, table, tank, team, tent, test, toes, tree, vest, water, wing, winter, woman, women
ball, bat, bed, book, boy, bun, can, cake, cap, car, cat, cow, cub, cup, dad, day, dog, doll, dust, fan, feet, girl, gun, hall, hat, hen, jar, kite, man, map, men, mom, pan, pet, pie, pig, pot, rat, son, sun, toe, tub, van
also, 4 of these 6 items:
http://www.cracked.com/article_17098_6-strangest-objects-people-were-caught-having-sex-with.html
Kurt: Hang on...I saw woman on that list...
Elliot: Fleshlight?
Me: Seriously dude. "Mom"?
Dustin: Your mom!
Me: It wasn't "other person's mom"; it was just "mom."
Dustin: Dustin Humps the Aftermath is my new band name.
Kurt: Does Dustin Humps the Aftermath need a sax player?
Me: No, but it can use the sax. Just don't be around when they empty the spit-valve.
Elliot: You should change it to "Dustin Humps the Aftershock." Who wouldn't want to hump an earthquake!?!?!
Me: Very zen. Do you hump the earth, or does the earth hump you?
Dustin: More things I humped:
A safety pin, a row of button batteries, a car key, A fork, Montana, bed springs, magnetic pieces of a block, a 10-Pound Hairball, Live Frogs and Rats, 20 cobblestones, A Plane, a Bike
Me: See, now, a safety pin? A fork? We come full circle -- how do you not cut yourself? And is it worth it?
Dustin: Dude. It's a SAFETY pin. and a fork, not a knife. I know how to be careful.
Dustin: the Brave Little Toaster
Dustin: Sam's Air Mattress
Me: OK, that's a loaded answer, and I am, for the first time in this conversation, disgusted.
Dustin: http://s5.tinypic.com/28bsnqh.jpg [Ed. Description: giant camel face.]
Kurt: And how exactly do you go about humping that?
Me: With gumption and hope.
Dustin: A step ladder, which luckily I had on hand from an experiment earlier in the day.
Adam: So, a friend of mine got this in her facebook inbox. Apparently Tanya is a person she went to high school with and is a face book friend of. Apparently somebody is pretty pissed at Tanya and sent his message out to all of Tanya's facebook friends:
Tanya,
I know you fucked my husband in the back seat of his car on Sunday night in a cracker Barrel parking lot on your way home from the Greenville CVS.. I know exactly what time it was there was a break in the phone messages between 6:30'ish' and 7:45. I hope you are satisfied with what your 20 minutes got you! Apparently you weren't that good you couldn't even make my husband finish. You are nothing but a white trash whore who will burn in hell. I hope your 3yr old daughter finds out what kind of person you are! You are a very classy lady to be fucking someone's husband and betraying your own husband and little girl, not to mention the backseat of a car in a cracker barrel parking lot! WOW! It would be in your best interest to never come in contact with me! I will be sending the pictures you sent to my husband a long with the phone records and the leather I cut out of his back seat that has your skanky ass on it, maybe you can make a belt or something with it? I strongly suggest if you have not confessed to your husband that you do before all this information reaches him. You are one hell of a woman to lie to me and not have the guts to admit your wrong doing. One thing about me is I ALWAYS win!!
Have a great life!
And exchange:
Elliot: A friend of mine growing up owned a spider monkey. They thought it was cool, at first, but they never trained it and it got a little rambunctious, so they tied it up in the backyard and pretty much neglected it. Any time you would walk in their backyard, you'd get pegged with precision-thrown acorns hard enough to leave a welt. Those fuckers are accurate.
Dustin: Did it masturbate?
Elliot: Not that I saw, but I'm sure it did. Everything masturbates!
Dustin: I remember that kids book.
Me: My dog used to masturbate with his dog bowl. Even though I still don't understand the physics of it.
Dustin: The physics of masturbation? There is a kids book I want you to read.
Me: He humped the dog bowl. The edges were sharp. You explain to me how that doesn't hurt or how it works. Hell, find an illustrator if you think that'll help.
Dustin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O09x9sT5Ks8 [Ed. Note: Video title: "Dog humps his food."]
Kurt: One of the greatest videos I've ever seen.
Elliot: Did you just google "Masturbating Dog" at work?
Me: He's humping air!
Look, I understand that animals, in particular dogs, do hump motions onto inanimate objects. Hell, I'll concede that it might even work from time to time, or for more than I'm giving credit. But I refuse to believe my dog ever got off humping his sharp, worn, plastic dog bowl! If I had to bet, I'd put more money on him cutting his penis rather than coming.
Alexandria: hahah that statement is very amusing to me. good job shane.
Elliot: Haven't you ever heard of "fidomasochism?"
Me: I'm friends with Dustin. I'm sure it's been brought up before.
Dustin: Look. There's only one way to solve this. We need to get a dog bowl and hump it. Maybe Mythbusters has a stipend for this sort of thing.
Kurt: "Hi, I'm Dustin L[.], and this is dog bowl humping!"
Dustin: Mythbusters, not Jackass, you....err... jackass.
I want the bowl to explode when I'm done.
Me: Why stop there. I'm pretty sure Huggy's buried with his bowl. Why not exhume the body, Geraldo?
Dustin: i don't understand. You want me to hump the bowl or you want Huggy to hump the bowl?
Me: I think I resoundingly speak for the thread and all of humanity in saying that I'd rather you hump the bowl than the dead remains of my childhood dog.
Plus, you humping a bowl? Priceless.
Kurt: I'm just saying, you've got a way better shot of getting on the air on Jackass.
Dustin: I've humped worse.
Me: Thread,
One time in high school I'd left a t-shirt in Dustin's car for some reason. His girlfriend used it for clean-up, and they didn't tell me about it till months after. I'd worn it many times.
Explained? More?
Dustin: I forgot about that. That story always makes me laugh.
We always had a private little joke everytime we saw shane wear that shirt.
Kurt: Dustin, I'd like to request a list of inanimate objects you have humped. This is for research in preparing the bowl project.
And yes, sleeping roommates count.
Me: I want to do a thread poll of what worse objects you think he's humped.
I'll start. A pole.
Elliot: Cactus? No flaps, though...
Me: Good! OK, here:
The upper back of a sleeping retarded girl on the back of the bus.
Kurt: I'm gonna guess...a Tear 'n' Share bag of M&Ms. Probably peanut. Possibly peanut butter.
Dustin: Here is a short list:
able, achieve, acoustics, action, activity, aftermath, afternoon, afterthought, apparel, appliance, beginner, believe, bomb, border, boundary, breakfast, cabbage, cable, calculator, calendar, caption, carpenter, cemetery, channel, circle, creator, creature, education, faucet, feather, friction, fruit, fuel, galley, guide, guitar, health, heart, idea, kitten, laborer, language, lawyer, linen, locket, lumber, magic, minister, mitten, money, mountain, music, partner, passenger, pickle, picture, plantation, plastic, pleasure, pocket, police, pollution, railway, recess, reward, route, scene, scent, squirrel, stranger, suit, sweater, temper, territory, texture, thread, treatment, veil, vein, volcano, wealth, weather, wilderness, wren, wrist, writer
actor, airplane, airport, army, baseball, beef, birthday, boy, brush, bushes, butter, cast, cave, cent, cherries, cherry, cobweb, coil, cracker, dinner, eggnog, elbow, face, fireman, flavor, gate, glove, glue, goldfish, goose, grain, hair, haircut, hobbies, holiday, hot, jellyfish, ladybug, mailbox, number, oatmeal, pail, pancake, pear, pest, popcorn, queen, quicksand, quiet, quilt, rainstorm, scarecrow, scarf, stream, street, sugar, throne, toothpaste, twig, volleyball, wood, wrench
advice, anger, answer, apple, arithmetic, badge, basket, basketball, battle, beast, beetle, beggar, brain, branch, bubble, bucket, cactus, cannon, cattle, celery, cellar, cloth, coach, coast, crate, cream, daughter, donkey, drug, earthquake, feast, fifth, finger, flock, frame, furniture, geese, ghost, giraffe, governor, honey, hope, hydrant, icicle, income, island, jeans, judge, lace, lamp, lettuce, marble, month, north, ocean, patch, plane, playground, poison, riddle, rifle, scale, seashore, sheet, sidewalk, skate, slave, sleet, smoke, stage, station, thrill, throat, throne, title, toothbrush, turkey, underwear, vacation, vegetable, visitor, voyage, year
alarm, animal, aunt, bait, balloon, bath, bead, beam, bean, bedroom, boot, bread, brick, brother, camp, chicken, children, crook, deer, dock, doctor, downtown, drum, dust, eye, family, father, fight, flesh, food, frog, goose, grade, grandfather, grandmother, grape, grass, hook, horse, jail, jam, kiss, kitten, light, loaf, lock, lunch, lunchroom, meal, mother, notebook, owl, pail, parent, park, plot, rabbit, rake, robin, sack, sail, scale, sea, sister, soap, song, spark, space, spoon, spot, spy, summer, tiger, toad, town, trail, tramp, tray, trick, trip, uncle, vase, winter, water
week, wheel, wish, wool, yard, zebr
apple, arm, banana, bike, bird, book, chin, clam, class, clover, club, corn, crayon, crow, crown, crowd, crib, desk, dime, dirt, dress, fang, field, flag, flower, fog, game, heat, hill, home, horn, hose, joke, juice, kite, lake, maid, mask, mice, milk, mint, meal, meat, moon, mother, morning, name, nest, nose, pear, pen, pencil, plant, rain, river, road, rock, room, rose, seed, shape, shoe, shop, show, sink, snail, snake, snow, soda, sofa, star, step, stew, stove, straw, string, summer, swing, table, tank, team, tent, test, toes, tree, vest, water, wing, winter, woman, women
ball, bat, bed, book, boy, bun, can, cake, cap, car, cat, cow, cub, cup, dad, day, dog, doll, dust, fan, feet, girl, gun, hall, hat, hen, jar, kite, man, map, men, mom, pan, pet, pie, pig, pot, rat, son, sun, toe, tub, van
also, 4 of these 6 items:
http://www.cracked.com/article_17098_6-strangest-objects-people-were-caught-having-sex-with.html
Kurt: Hang on...I saw woman on that list...
Elliot: Fleshlight?
Me: Seriously dude. "Mom"?
Dustin: Your mom!
Me: It wasn't "other person's mom"; it was just "mom."
Dustin: Dustin Humps the Aftermath is my new band name.
Kurt: Does Dustin Humps the Aftermath need a sax player?
Me: No, but it can use the sax. Just don't be around when they empty the spit-valve.
Elliot: You should change it to "Dustin Humps the Aftershock." Who wouldn't want to hump an earthquake!?!?!
Me: Very zen. Do you hump the earth, or does the earth hump you?
Dustin: More things I humped:
A safety pin, a row of button batteries, a car key, A fork, Montana, bed springs, magnetic pieces of a block, a 10-Pound Hairball, Live Frogs and Rats, 20 cobblestones, A Plane, a Bike
Me: See, now, a safety pin? A fork? We come full circle -- how do you not cut yourself? And is it worth it?
Dustin: Dude. It's a SAFETY pin. and a fork, not a knife. I know how to be careful.
Dustin: the Brave Little Toaster
Dustin: Sam's Air Mattress
Me: OK, that's a loaded answer, and I am, for the first time in this conversation, disgusted.
Dustin: http://s5.tinypic.com/28bsnqh.jpg [Ed. Description: giant camel face.]
Kurt: And how exactly do you go about humping that?
Me: With gumption and hope.
Dustin: A step ladder, which luckily I had on hand from an experiment earlier in the day.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Thread Quote of the Week: 3/6/09
One of these days—bang! zoom! right in the kisser!—these things will get good. For now I'm awarding myself quote of the week:
Dustin: Yet ANOTHER thing Shane and Miley Cyrus have in common:
http://www.spike.com/blog/miley-cyrus-got/74656
Me: I don't like you bringing up in mixed company the fact that Billy Ray Cyrus molested me.
Just don't tell my parents, [my] stupid prudish parents. I just don't think they'd understand.
Dustin: Yet ANOTHER thing Shane and Miley Cyrus have in common:
http://www.spike.com/blog/miley-cyrus-got/74656
Me: I don't like you bringing up in mixed company the fact that Billy Ray Cyrus molested me.
Just don't tell my parents, [my] stupid prudish parents. I just don't think they'd understand.
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