The Malina Chronicles

It's time for a new column. But when I started to write an the story explaining this I realized it's far too long and uninteresting—yet outlandish. Basically, honest to blog, I'm not making this up.

For almost a year I've been getting "anonymous" death threat emails from Joshua Malina, an actor from Sports Night, The West Wing, and many other stuff not related to Aaron Sorkin. But not the real Joshua Malina. Someone with an email address for "Joshua Malina."

September 14, 2007

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: It is on.

Meet me at the abandoned warehouse, 1AM tonight.

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: It is on.

Now I'm blogging about this.

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: It is on.

Not if you're dead first.

So how did I respond? I got in "character," upped the ante, and death-threatened back.

Again, I'm not making this up. The end results is two people pretending to be mortal enemies, with one making personal attacks against an actor he likes fine and the other getting their character details from Wikipedia. For example, here's the exchange since Leap Day:

February 29, 2008

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Coming this Fall

I just pitched a TV show to some execs where I play myself tracking you down to kill you.

It's like DAWG the Bounty Hunter meets Curb.

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

Oh, crap! I'm worried. I mean, unless I'm standing a distance further than five feet from you.

Because you'd have to be pretty fast to move five feet before a network cancels one of your shows.

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

At least the network produces my shows!!!!

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

How else are they to keep in Sorkin's favor?

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

I'm more than Sorkin's boy-toy!

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

But you still blow him after your poker games, right?

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

Ha! Maybe he blows me!!

Would you like to come over to a poker game? I'd love to take you and your entire $150 life savings.

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

You ever look at yourself in a mirror, Malina? Because every time I see your picture, I think that one of these days you're going to become a real boy.

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall


Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

Just think of all the times you had to stick that finger up and tickle Sorkin's asshole...

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Coming this Fall

Hey--

This [is] Aaron Sorkin, writer of Charlie Wilson's War, A Few Good Men and the first four seasons of West Wing. I've been battling a cocaine addiction for several years. Josh told me you've been giving him shit like a whiney little bitch. You better stop or I'll pistol whip you. You suck lemur balls.

What's next,

A.S.

Ha ha!!! Take that!!!

Me to Joshua

For A.S.:

...

...

Yeah.

April 2, 2008

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Look waht just came across my desk...

My agent, Ted Evans, just dropped off a very interesting script that he thinks I would be perfect for... [NOTE: This was before I'd revealed my April Fools joke involving my agent, "Ted Evans."]

I'll die before I see you make a movie in my town, Hazen!!!

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Look waht just came across my desk...

Holy crap! You have my same agent! This is proof that you're real and not completely made up!

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Look waht just came across my desk...

Ha! You're the one that's probably made up!

April 11, 2008

Joshua Malina to Me
Subject: FW: You Son of a bitch

Get all your croneys to threaten me, queer! I'm still coming after you.

From: charlesgrodin@live.com
To: joshuamalina@hotmail.com
Subject: You Son of a bitch
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:18:45 -0400

I'm tired of you messing with my boy, Hazen!!

Back the fuck off, bro!

Me to Joshua Malina
Subject: Re: FW: You Son of a bitch

Charles Grodin is a family friend. He introduced me to Ted Evans.

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: FW: You Son of a bitch

HAHA!

There is no Ted Evans!!! I April Fooled you again!!

VICTORY MALINA!!!

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: FW: You Son of a bitch

Or maybe Ted Evans is real and he just April Fooled you to give hope to your pathetic career, you four-eyed fuck.

May 22, 2008

Joshua Malina to Me
Subject: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

Wow. Does flag waving get you more auditions to fail at?

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

I'm trying to get the VP role in the upcoming Swing Vote movie!

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

Way to swing for the fences Malina. I wouldn't put money on you getting an extras role.

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

I was a featured extra in Driving Miss Daisy so don't tell me how to get parts.

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

I bet that goes in the first paragraph of your obituary.

Oh wait, what am I talking about. Who the fuck would write an obituary for you, much less read it.

I'm going to kill you.

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

I will see you in hell!!!!!!! You can never outsmart me!! I was on jeopardy!


Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

Little children laugh at the size of your penis.

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

Why do you think I would be showing my penis to children?

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: Where's your flag pin, Hazen?

Knowing you, why WOULDN'T I think you'd try to face-fuck a kid and then start crying w[hen] the 3 year old ask[s] why his is bigger?

June 10, 2008

Joshua Malina to me
Subject: I noticed you didn't have an IMDB page, loser.

Hey Shane, buddy!!

I just ran across this great article that I thought you might like to check out:

http://www.the-trades.com/article.php?id=2675

Love,

Josh

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: I noticed you didn't have an IMDB page, loser.

Good for you! Making your own web site and writing an interview with yourself using a pseudonym is really a step up from editing your IMDb bio and Wiki page every other hour.

I'm going to put a bomb in your car.

Joshua to me
Subject: Re: I noticed you didn't have an IMDB page, loser.

I swear to you.... As soon as I figure out which trailer you're in, you're a dead man.

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: I noticed you didn't have an IMDB page, loser.

Wouldn't that require leaving the house? What're you going to do i[f] Sorkin calls and offers you a job while you're out? How else are you going to pay rent then?

Joshua to me
Subject: Re: I noticed you didn't have an IMDB page, loser.

God I Hate You.

Me to Joshua
Subject: Re: I noticed you didn't have an IMDB page, loser.

And, as made apparent by your shitty career and life, God hates you too.

(If you really want to know: One of my biggest sources of weekday entertainment since moving to Austin is Dustin's work email thread, where I send and receive more daily news, entertainment, and political stories than my RSS reader from Dustin's Chicago friends. We separated into a mini-thread to talk about Sorkin's Studio 60, and invariably Malina's name came up. Then one day Dustin sent me an email with a Malina headshot saying something like, "HE'S COMING." Then, I guess, he made the Hotmail account and starting emailing me demands to watch Big Shots. Then he started emailing other people and trying to convince them Malina was me. He sent out an Evite for a Halloween party, emailed himself, made (as seen above) multiple fake email address (Grodin, Anderson Cooper, former 103GBF DJ Turner Watson), and emailed himself using these fictional personas. For almost a year.

Actually I guess it isn't all that uninteresting.)

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